Erotica vs. Pornography 

Opinions Vary
Depending upon who you talk to, opinions on what constitutes erotica vs. pornography vary widely.  Let’s begin with basic definitions.  Erotica is defined as literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire.  Pornography, on the other had, is defined as printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate erotic feelings.  While there is some overlap, some distinctions can be made between pornography and erotica.  

Pornography is generally considered more taboo and potentially destructive because of its long history of objectifying women as well as its association with child pornography and other sexually deviate practices.  Pornography is more graphic and more often geared to arouse men.  While erotica is generally less explicit and caters more to women.  Another distinction is the intent behind it.  It is assumed that the primary intention of porn is financial gain, while those producing erotica are more interested in aesthetic or the expressive quality of their work.  

Often erotica is much more realistic, while porn is generally very unrealistic. Erotica more often tells a complete story, including the steamy sex scenes, to stimulate the imagination as well as the body.  The characters and relationships in erotic stories have more depth to help you relate to them.  You can find many types of erotic stories.  Stories of love and passion, stories of fantasies, role playing, historical erotica, sci-fi erotica and much more.  Just as porn runs the gamut of soft-core to hard core, erotica can be mild to wild. 

Some people simply consider any material that ignites erotic feelings as dirty, wrong and immoral - that it’s all pornographic. Others will say, “Erotica is what I like, and pornography is what you like, you pervert!”  One common joke is “The only difference between art and pornography is a government grant.”   

In general, erotica refers to portrayals of sexually arousing material that hold artistic or scientific merit whereas pornography often connotes the prurient depiction of sexual acts, with little or no artistic value.  Thus, the difference between erotica and pornography, like anything else, ultimately lies in the eyes of the beholder. 

Women and Pornography vs Erotica
While sexual response in men is quickly triggered visually, women generally get more turned-on by reading erotic stories where she can imagine herself as the main character.  Most women get aroused as they imagine themselves in the context of the erotic story, seeing what the character sees, feeling what she feels.

Additionally, many women feel uncomfortable viewing pornography with their lover because they compare themselves to the perfectly toned, big-breasted, stretch-mark-free porn star they see on screen.  Such comparisons will leave a woman feeling less attractive, less sexy and less desirable.  In her insecurity she may even question if her lover would rather be with the porn star, than with her.  Most women don’t want their lover fantasizing about being with another woman!

Another drawback to porn is the setting of unrealistic expectations.  When a couple watches porn, it’s easy to forget they are watching people being paid a lot of money to ACT sexually responsive.  After viewing porn, some men, consciously or unconsciously, want their partners to express themselves like porn stars, and become disappointed when she doesn’t measure up.   Or even worse, there are women who begin to perform like porn stars while making love, faking orgasm, pretending to be aroused, exaggerating responsiveness to the point that they become completely unauthentic and disconnected with their own sexuality and sexual response.  The result of such charades is lowered female sex drive and resentment which severely undermine the relationship over time. 

Women must feel sexy, desirable and relaxed before they can becime sexually aroused.  If viewing porn produces any anxiety or insecurity it will quickly shut down your libido, producing the opposite of the intended effect!

What’s A Woman To Do?
When considering the difference between porn and erotica, perhaps the more important question is why are you asking? Does it really matter?  When it comes using porn, erotica or both what’s most important is the criteria you use to make that decision.  When deciding whether or not to use erotic or pornographic material, and if so to what degree, both people in the relationship must be comfortable with the decision in order for it to have the desired effect of increasing sexual arousal.

Start The Conversation.
Discuss the following statements with your lover.  Place a value of 1 to 5.  Share your reasoning with your partner and take turns listening and respecting each others points of view.  It is not about being “right,” it’s about coming up with something that both of you can feel good about.

1 = Strongly Disagree   2 = Disagree    3 = Somewhat Agree  
4 = Agree  5 = Strongly Agree

1. Human beings are sexual beings.   
2. I want to induce, explore and enjoy erotic feelings.
 
3. It is okay to use porn or erotica for self stimulation.  
 
4. As long as porn or erotica enhances my sexual experience with my partner, it’s fine.
5. Porn is immoral and addictive and should not be used. 
6. Erotica is immoral and addictive and should not be used.
7. Only mutually agreed upon erotic or pornographic material is okay to use in our relationship.
8. All things in moderation are fine.

Now discuss the perimeters or rules you’d like to honor around the use of erotica or pornography in your relationship.  Under what circumstance, if any, is porn or erotic material acceptable? 

1. What is acceptable content (same sex, group sex, BDSM, real people vs actors, it’s okay if explicit scenes are educational, it’s okay so long as women are not objectified, etc.)?

2. What is acceptable context for viewing &/or reading (together only, alone okay under  certain circumstances (ie traveling alone), only read erotica alone, but no porn movies or internet porn access alone, etc.)

3. What is the acceptable frequency (how much is too much?)

4.  What are the acceptable mediums (literature, DVDs, Internet, Live, what are the limits?)

An approach most women find satisfying is reading written erotica like Lust or Flipside Erotica alone or together.  Watching DVDs together like Great Oral Sex, The Joy of Erotic Massage or The Better Sex Guide to Kama Sutra that are both educational and erotic, featuring real couples who love each other.  Steer clear of internet or live porn, and on occasion check out a raunchy porn together with a bottle of wine for laughs and mindless entertainment. 

As you can see, incorporating erotica or porn into your relationship is not an all or nothing proposition.  With a wide variety of mediums and content available, each couple can come up with a constructive way to enjoy the benefits of such materials while avoiding the drawbacks.  Approach it with an open mind and an honest heart.  If you find that you’ve selected something that you’re not comfortable with simply try something else until you find what works for both you and your partner.