Is Incorporating The Use Of Erotica Or Porn Into My Relationship A Good Idea?

Opinions vary depending upon the people involved and the type of erotica or porn they use.  For a clearer distinction, read “What Is Erotica vs. Pornography.” While sexual response in men is generally quickly triggered visually, women often get more turned-on by reading erotic stories where they can imagine themselves as the main character.  Most women get aroused as they consider themselves in the context of the erotic story, seeing what the character sees, feeling what she feels. 

Consider Your Feelings 
Many women feel uncomfortable viewing pornography with their lover because they compare themselves to the perfectly toned, big-breasted, stretch-mark free porn star they see on-screen.  Such comparisons leave a “regular” woman feeling less attractive, less sexy and less desirable as a result of watching porn.  Additional feelings of insecurity  arise when a woman questions if her lover is fantasizing about being with the porn star instead of her.  Most women don’t want a lover who is fantasizing about being with another woman!  

Another potential drawback to porn is setting unrealistic expectations.  When a couple watches porn, it’s easy to forget they are watching people being paid a lot of money to act sexually responsive.  After viewing porn, some men, consciously or unconsciously, want their female partner to express themselves like the porn stars they’ve seen.  Porn generally depicts what men find arousing, not women.  Thus men will often do the same things they see portrayed in a porn scene and become disappointed when their female partner doesn’t respond like the women on screen did.   Even worse, there are women who begin to perform like porn stars while making love, faking orgasm, pretending to be aroused, exaggerating responsiveness to appease their partner.  

Performing in bed detaches her from her own, authentic sexual expression.  The result of such charades is lowered female sex drive and resentment which severely undermine the relationship over time.  A women, we must feel sexy, desirable and relaxed before she can get sexually aroused, therefore if viewing porn produces any anxiety or insecurity it will quickly shut down her libido, producing the opposite of the intended effect! 

What’s A Woman To Do? 
When it comes using porn, erotica or both what’s most important is the criteria you use to make that decision.  When deciding if and how to use erotic or pornographic material, both people in the relationship must be comfortable with the decision in order for it to have the desired effect of increasing sexual arousal.

Start The Conversation. 
Give each statement below a value of 1 to 5.  Share your reasoning with your partner and take turns listening and respecting each others viewpoint.  The goal is self-examination as well as learning how your partner feels.  It is not to convince your partner to see things your way by making a case for being “right.”  Strive to come up with something that both of you can feel good about. 

1 = Strongly Disagree     2 = Disagree       3 = Somewhat Agree      4 = Agree     
5 = Strongly Agree 

 1. Human beings are sexual beings.       
 2. I want to induce, explore and enjoy erotic feelings.  
 3. It is okay to use porn or erotica for self stimulation.    
 4. As long as porn or erotica enhances my sexual experience with my partner, it’s fine. 
 5. Porn is immoral and addictive and should not be used. 
 6. Erotica is immoral and addictive and should not be used. 
 7. Only mutually agreed upon erotic or pornographic material is okay to use in our  relationship. 
 8. All things in moderation are fine. 

Create Ground Rules. 
Now discuss the ground rules you’d like to honor for the use of erotica or pornography in your relationship.  Under what circumstance, if any, is porn or erotic material acceptable?  

1. What is acceptable content (same sex, group sex, BDSM, real people vs actors, it’s okay if explicit scenes are educational, it’s okay so long as women are not objectified, etc.)? 

2. What is acceptable context for viewing &/or reading (together only, alone okay under  certain circumstances (ie traveling alone), only read erotica alone, but no porn movies or internet porn access alone, etc.) 

3. What is the acceptable frequency (How much is too much?) 

4.  What are the acceptable mediums (literature, DVDs, Internet, Live, Are there limits?) 

An approach most women find satisfying is reading written erotica like Lust or Flipside Erotica alone or together.  Watching educational, explicit DVDs together like Great Oral Sex, The Joy of Erotic Massage or The Better Sex Guide to Kama Sutra that feature real couples who love each other, where women are cherished and not objectified.  No use of internet porn or live porn.  Occasionally viewing a raunchy porn together with a bottle of wine for laughs and mindless entertainment.  

As you can see, incorporating erotica or porn into your relationship is not an all or nothing proposition.  With a wide variety of mediums and content available, each couple can come up with a constructive way to enjoy the benefits of such materials while avoiding the drawbacks.  Approach it with an open mind and an honest heart.  If you find that you’ve selected something that you’re not comfortable with simply try something else until you find what works for you and your partner.  Every relationship is different.  Respecting your partner is the key to success!